|
|
~Mysterious and Suspiciously Transmitted Dementia~
By neko
Welcome to my life. I'd like to thank Alley for sending this THING to me (I warned you!) and MST 3000 for the inspiration for this genre. All characters belong to yours truly. (You might want to read Highways and Hangovers first.) =^_^=
My apologies for the tiny self-insert (since I loathe self-insert fics), but it's really more of a kitten-insert, as Mei Ling gets more screen time than me. And "kitten-insert" sounds vaguely obcene. Hm.
Morning dawned bright and early in the Lee household, painting the eastern rooms with warm colours. A green cloth-encased lump on the futon shifted slightly.
A voice called from down the stairs. "Time to get up, neko-chan!"
"Hn . . . don't wanna . . ." She turned over, intending to go back to sleep.
"NEKO!!!!!!"
"Yeah, yeah. I'm up already, 'kaasan." Dragging herself from bed, the semi-conscious fic writer poked at a scarf suspended from the ceiling. The patterns on it, somewhat disturbingly, resembled a sort of stylized sperm. "Oi. Rise and shine, Sleeping Beauties."
A deep, annoyed voice snapped, "Go away. We're not getting up."
"Isn't it Saturday?" another, lighter in tone and far more polite, asked. "Don't you have class, neko-chan?"
"Yes, and I have a job for you. I want you to MST something for me. No, you don't have to. But the alternative is to clean my room." There was a distinct shudder as she gestured to the room at large. "Either way, you two are going to be busy while I'm gone." Smiling sweetly, neko turned to leave the room, then paused.
"Oh, and David? Jay? If, by some strange chance, it isn't done . . . Mei Ling might like some new playmates."
She left the two with that ominous image of a hyperactive ball of fur, claws and teeth.
Settling into the chair, David switched on the computer, bringing up the file. He sighed.
"Oi, why do you get to sit down?" Jay whined, plopping himself down in his lover's lap. Looking at the screen, he let out something suspiciously like a whimper. "No! I'm not touching that thing! It's evil!" He pointed at the offending document.
"Which is more frightening?" the other asked reasonably. "Bad luck in love for ten years, or a rabid kitten?"
"What are we waiting for? Let's get this show on the road!"
^_^
Subject: Fwd: HAHAHAHAHA READ THIS! ITS FUNNY!
David: So is a kick in the teeth...
Jay: Not as funny as flaming people who send chain letters.
Date: Thu, 24 Feb 2000 19:57:38 PST
Jay: But . . . we don't live in that time zone!
David: Where is it, exactly?
Jay: Dunno.
From: "Allison Ramsay" <alleykat_zap7@hotmail.com>
Jay: . . . who will hopefully learn her lesson so we won't have to do this again.
To: chibineko@xxxx.xxx, blondie_814@xxxxxxx.xxx,
bramsay2@xxxxxxx.xxx,
blind_as_a_melon@xxxxxxx.xxx,
keeper14@xxxx.xxx,
tomatosoups@xxxxx.xxx
CC: dmhildebrandt@xxxxxxx.xxx,
jtramsay98@xxxxx.xxx,
dizzy_fairy@xxxxxxx.xxx, Teapot_02@xxxxxxx.xxx,
randomfemale@xxxxxxx.xxx, opt2gyrate@xxx.xxx,
baduner@xxxxx.xxx, she_devil_9@xxxxxxx.xxx, prodigy2@xxxxxx.xxx
David: Protected for the sake of their sanity.
>>>EAST TO THE SEA,
>>>WEST TO THE LAND,
>>>DEATH TO THE IDIOT
>>>THAT TOUCHES MY MAN.
Jay: *grin* Can I touch my own? *pounce*
David: Eep!
>>> haha ya better believe it yall
David: *detaches from an amourous and now SD Jay* You know, I think there's something wrong with the Caps Lock key . . .
>>>
>>>My First Time
>>>
Jay: I don't want to know!
>>>
>>>The sky was dark
>>>The moon was high
David: *Creepy Narrator* It was a dark and stormy night . . .
>>>All alone
>>>Just her and I
Jay: Ignoring how it was broadcast live on the fox network . . .
David: *disconcerted look*
>>>Her hair so soft
>>>Her eyes so blue
David: Wait a minute . . . I thought it was dark?
Jay: Unless . . . She's glowing?
Both: AAAH!!!
>>>I knew just what
>>>She wanted to do
David: Polka!
Jay: *disconcerted look*
*pause*
Jay: Knowing neko, this is probably yuri.
David: Knowing Alley, it probably isn't.
>>>Her skin so soft
>>>Her legs so fine
Jay: *Nameless Narrator, singing* You know I want to make her mine all mine!
>>>I ran my fingers
>>>Down her spine
Jay: . . . before deciding maybe I should put it back . . .
David: Oops. How do I reattach this thing?
>>>I didn't know how
>>>But I tried my best
>>>To place my hand
>>>On her breasts
David: Maybe this person needs a map?
Jay: *Nameless Narrator* Where the hell am I now?!?
David: There went the yuri theory.
>>>I remember my fear
>>>My fast beating heart
David: Stay off the drugs, kid.
>>>But slowly she spread
David: . . . the Nutella onto the toast?
>>>Her legs apart
David: Oh.
Jay: I don't like where this is going . . .
>>>And when she did it
David: *confused* Did what?
Jay: You know . . . 'it.'
David: Oh! It!
Jay: Exactly! Like in that story with those people in that place!
David: The one written by that author? With all the stuff?
Jay: Yeah! That one!
>>>I felt no shame
Jay: Why am I reminded of SuperS?
David: Because you've been watching it?
Jay: Oh, yeah.
>>>All at once
>>>The white stuff came
Jay: *snicker* Too easy . . .
David: *hits him* Don't even think about it.
>>>At last it's finished
>>>It's all over now
Jay: *Nameless Narrator* Thank the wall!
David: *disconcerted look*
Jay: You're doing that a lot . . .
>>>My first time
>>>Milking a cow!
Both: *sweatdrop*
>>>hehehe! You sicko. Now make a wish.
Jay: Look who's talking! I didn't write it!
David: Hush. What are we supposed to wish on?
> 10
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
> 9
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
> 8
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
6
David: What happened to seven?
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
5
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
4
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
3
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
2
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
1
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
*
>
*
Jay: Happy New Year! *kisses David*
David: Oi, watch out!
*They fall off the chair.*
Jay: *twitch* Ouch . . .
> :o) Now, send this chain letter to:
Jay: Half the population of Borneo in the next 30 seconds and you might
survive! *maniacal laughter*
David: You're never visiting Miss N's page again.
Jay: *pouts* You're mean.
>
5 people-Your wish won't come true; but you will have good
> luck for a year.
David: . . . And a hamster in your sock drawer for a decade.
Jay: *disconcerted look*
> 10 people-Your wish will come true in a year.
David: I'll mark my calender.
> 15 people-Your wish will come true in a month.
Jay: *Random Psychic* I also see that you have just met someone . . . at
a party or a meeting?
David: And that's actually how it works, too. Scary.
> 20 people-Your wish will come true in a week.
Jay: What if I wished to sleep in tomorrow?
> 25 people-Your wish will come true tomorrow.
David: You'll just have to send it to more people.
Jay: Do I even know this many people?
> 30 people-Your wish will come true within 2 hrs.
David: *sets his watch* We'll see.
>______________________________________________________
>Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com
Jay: So private that they sell your address to porn lists!
David: *shudder*
"Who wants ice cream?" David called out, rummaging through the freezer. "Let's see . . . Chicken breasts, peas, orange juice, something labeled 'Do Not Open Till The Apocolypse' . . . Ah! Here it is!" He carefully extracted the container.
"Ooh! What flavour?" Jay seemed to have gotten a head start on his sugar high. Already, he resembled a three-year-old.
"Vanilla. Do we have anything to go with it?"
Jay held up a jar of maraschino cherries. "How about this?"
"Kind of sticky, but it'll do. What about--" He paused. "Did you hear that?"
"What? Is there something wrong?" Looking in the window, he noticed a black blur. "Crap! Ling!"
"Gaah! Hide me!"
"Nyao?" was the only warning as the Rabid Kitten of Doom pounced.
As he grabbed his lover and ran from the room, Jay at least had the presence of mind to take the food.