Sorcerer Hunter Outtakes!
(A Too Much Time On Our Hands Production)
Scene: A park bench. Marron sits at the left. (NO! NOT THAT WAY! HIS LEFT!!!)
Gateau: *comes in and tries to sit down next to him*
Marron: *moves right till he gets to the other end*
Gateau: *sits very close* Do you believe in the hereafter?
Marron: *warily* Yes . . .
Gateau: *leers* Then you know what I'm here after!
Marron: *slaps him and sticks an ofuda to his forehead*
~~~Well, you're the one who likes it in the closet!~~~
Scene: A castle. The Sorcerer Hunters have just defeated that guy with the mirrors.
Gateau: Can I ask you a question?
Marron: *unimpressed* Please.
Gateau: Are you really a closet pervert?
Marron: *surprised* No! . . . I came out of the closet a long time ago!
Scene: The Stellar Church. Big Mama teaches a young Chocolate to fight.
Chocolate: I think I've got it! *holds one end of rubber band with her fingers, the other with her lips, then tries to talk, huskily* I . . . OW!
Big Mama: Hold on tighter. And remember, it'll hurt more with a real wire.
~~~Hello, sailor. New in town?~~~
Scene: Room at an inn. Marron and Gateau stand, talking.
Marron: Gateau . . .
Gateau: Hm? What is it, Marron?
Marron: *pouts coyly* Hmm . . . *walks towards Gateau, swinging his hips* Hey there, Big Boy . . . *slides finger down, down, down . . . Gateau's chest.*
Gateau: Oh . . . my.
Scene: Some random forest.
Gateau: So . . . free friday night?
arron: Washing my hair.
~~~Ew! That's like tonguing your brother!~~~
Scene: An arena within the casino.
Marron: *stares absently into the air at nothing and drools on his chin*
Monster Carrot: *roars and looks evil*
*suddenly, guitar music is heard. It's country. A rose impales the ground between the brothers*
Shadowy figure: Never fear, Marron! I, Tuxedo Gateau, will protect you!
Marron: *hair suddenly in impossible odangos, wearing a fuku* Tuxedo Gateau-sama! *sighs dreamily*
~~~A virgin? My mother warned me about girls like that . . . ~~~
Scene: A nondescript bedroom. Gateau has finally seduced Marron, who lies half dressed on the bed.
Gateau: . . . *stares lovingly at Marron, deep, deep into those wonderful pools of amber light. . .*
Marron: *dryly* You gonna do somethin' or just spit on me all night?
~~~Do they give them nice jackets that let them give themselves a hug?~~~
Scene: A long hallway in the REAL Stellar Church. Dotta flies beside Big Mama.
Big Mama: I have a confession.
Big Mama: I didn't really start the Haz Knights or the Sorcerer Hunters in order to protect the helpless.
Dotta: What? Then why?
Voice: *from down the hall* Sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex!
Big Mama: I . . . hello, Mirufiru.
Mirufiru: *skipping past in a pink skirt with his hair in pigtails* Sex sex se-- Big Mama. *bows low, extremely serious How may I be of service?
Big Mama: No need. Continue with your activities.
Mirufiru: As you wish. *resumes skipping* Sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex!
Dotta: *watches him go* Uh . . . you were saying?
Big Mama: I really just wanted to start a home for Deeply Disturbed People.
~~~Go go Power Hunters!~~~
Scene: Extreme closeup of Marron's oddly reflective and strangely dark eyes. Camera pans back to show him in a cheesy Bandai-style superhero costume
Marron: Behold the power of the Beetle Borgs!
~~~Sunbathing can kill you.~~~
Scene: A beach. Gateau sits, talking with Tira, while Chocolate restrains Carrot in the background.
Tira: Where's Marron-chan?
Gateau: In town. He was afraid of getting a tan.
~~~100 bottles of beer on the wall, 100 bottles of beer . . . ~~~
Scene: An auditorium. Marron stands at the podium.
Marron: Hello. My name is Marron Glace, and I'm an alcoholic.
~~~A wardrobe is a terrible thing to waste.~~~
Scene: After a fight.
Chocolate: Ne, Tira-chan, where DO you get your other shoes from?
Tira: I don't know. They just keep appearing. It's really pissing me off, too. I nearly killed myself in these damned things!
~~~Colder than the Yukon in January.~~~
Scene: A clearing. The Sorcerer Hunters sit around a fire.
Gateau: Damn! My beer's warm.
Carrot: *mocking, grinning* Just stick it between my brother's legs.
Gateau: *reaches to do just that and suddenly finds himself stunned with an ofuda stuck to his forehead*
Marron: *glaring* Don't even think about it. *clutches his robes tighter*
Carrot: Yeah! Stop trying to pervert my little brother!
Gateau: Wah! Everyone's against me!
~~~Oh, I'm a vampire and I'm okay . . . ~~~
Scene: Darkness. A light illuminates Marron's face from below.
Marron: I am Marron, Prince of the Undead. I have come for your soul. *maniacal laughter*
~~~Can you even say that on TV?~~~
Scene: A movie preview on television.
Mr. Narrator: The Bakuretsu Hunters Movie! Fabuluous new story, more hijinks! Critics say Chocolate is . . . a slut.
Scene: Random forest
Gateau: So . . . are you free Saturday, then?
Marron: Powdering face.
~~~At least it didn't fall out . . . ~~~
Scene: A long hallway in the REAL Stellar Church. Closed doors lead to various bedrooms. Focus on a door on which is written, in childish scrawl with a heart dotting the i, 'Mi-chan', and below that, in professional text, Mirufiru, Haz Knight. A scream is heard from behind it.
Dotta: *passing by* Ahh! Mirufiru! *she flings his door open* Are you OKAY?!
Mirufiru: *looks up with huge watery eyes. His hair is a disgusting shade of puce. * Dotta-chan . . .
Dotta: *trying not to giggle* What happened to your HAIR?!
Mirufiru: *sniff* The studio *sniff* wanted me to dye it *sniff* for the OAV series *sniff* so I tried to bleach it *sniff* and . . . *sniff* and . . . WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Dotta: It's okay, Mi-chan! We can redye it!
Mirufiru: WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH-- you think?
Dotta: Well . . . of course! *crosses her fingers* Or we could just shave it and give you a wig!
~~~This costume's a bit . . . different . . . ~~~
Scene: An oriental garden. Marron stands on a bridge, in traditional *female* Chinese dress, gazing at the water. His reflection has lighter hair, a mole, and a bosom.
Marron: *singing* Who is that girl I see . . . staring straight . . . back at me? Why is my reflection . . . someone I don't know?
*cut to forest. Marron is now looking uncomfortable in armour*
Gateau: *in dragon costume* For example, my eyes can see straight through your armour. *leers*
Marron: *covers his groin with one hand, slapping Gateau with the other*
Gateau: *confused* That's it! Dishonour! Dishonour on you! Dishonour on your Carrot . . .
~~~Living forever could get kinda boring.~~~
Scene: A village. Two women stand, looking disgustedly at a fading cloud of smoke and a disturbed-looking man.
Woman #1: Hmph. Immortals these days. They think they can just waltz in here, floating on air, and grant people 'The Power'. *pointed look at man*
Woman #2: Bloody creeps should be banned. *sounds of agreement*
Man: *screams randomly*
~~~Bad timing? But this happens a LOT . . . ~~~
Scene: A dimly lit window, seen from below. Voices are heard.
Gateau: Marron! Marron!! OH, MARRON!!!
Marron: *calmly* Wait . . . I think I hear my brother's voice.
Gateau: *frustrated* AUUUGGHHH!
~~~667-1111: Call Pizza Pizza! Hey Hey Hey!~~~
Scene: The REAL Stellar Church. Big Mama talks into a phone.
Big Mama: *excited* So you can come, then? Marvelous! This will be this best pizza party ever!
Mirufiru: *looks skeptically at her* . . .
Big Mama: *harumphs* It gets boring here, okay?
~~~Black is supposed to be slimming.~~~
Scene: Marron stands in front of a mirror, Gateau sitting on a chair behind him.
Marron: *turning and posing, looking in mirror skeptically* Tell me . . . *turns to Gateau* Do these robes make me look fat?
~~~Worse than breaking a lightbulb.~~~
Scene: The illusion of the Stellar Church.
Dotta: Good luck, Hunters! Bye~e! *waggles fingers*
*the scene implodes*
Marron: *looks around* Where's 'niisan?
Carrot: *Small, squished pile of goo on the ground* . . . down . . . here . . .
Chocolate: Darling! What happened?
Tira: He must have been too close to the imploding scene . . .
Carrot: shut up and help me. this is uncomfortable.
Scene: A campsite. Marron stands by a pile of clothes, deadpan as always, folding.
Marron: *calm and dead serious* I wish 'niisan would do his own laundry. *picks at lint deadpan and goes back to folding*
Scene: A non-descript street during a timely sunset. The silhouettes of the Sorcerer Hunters are seen.
Gateau: Do you know? Do you know? Have you heard the news?
Marron: 'Niisan's been chasing girls again.
Chocolate: Oh, Darling! How could you betray me so?
Tira: Beware, young sir. Pretty girls are not always what they seem.
All: Do you know? Do you know? Do you know what they are?
~~~Okay, it was stupid to ask.~~~
Scene: The illusion of the Stellar Church. Big Mama, Dotta, Mirufiru, Zaha, Marron, Gateau, Tira, and Chocolate all face Carrot.
Carrot: So, what did you guys want to say to me?
Chocolate: *shyly* Well, Darling, we all have things we want to get off our backs, and you're the only unbiased friend we have . . .
Carrot: Okay, I guess. Go ahead.
Chocolate: I . . . I'm an alien.
Carrot: Oh, I knew THAT.
Chocolate: . . .
Tira: I love you, Carrot!
Carrot: Well, duh. It's not difficult to notice.
Tira: . . .
Gateau: I have no self-esteem! I survive on others' praise!
Carrot: THAT's obvious, gorilla.
Gateau: . . .
Marron: I'm gay.
Carrot: I know. Never speak of it again.
Marron: . . .
Dotta: I bear the death of my race! Wah!
Carrot: Well, I haven't seen many people like you around, so no surprise.
Dotta: . . .
Mirufiru: I am a multiple-personality freak boy in drag!
Mirufiru: . . .
Big Mama: I'm not actually the closest to God. I just wish I were.
Carrot: Aw, heck, I'd guessed THAT.
Big Mama: . . .
Zaha: . . .
Carrot: Go on.
Zaha: I . . . I wish I were a girl.
Carrot: *rolling on the floor* MWA HA HA HA HA!!!
Zaha: . . .
All: . . .
Zaha: *to all* Lynch him?
All: *agreeing* Lynch him.
Carrot: MWA HA HA HA HA!!! Oh, that's PRECIOUS! MWA HA HA . . . ha . . . ha . . . uh, guys?
~~~I never wanted to be a Sorcerer Hunter . . . ~~~
Scene: A forest in the middle of nowhere.
Gateau: *in a flannel shirt and jeans* Oh, I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay...
~~~I don't believe you.~~~
Scene: An inn. Gateau yet again attempts to get Marron to sleep with him.
Gateau: Please, Marron?
Gateau: Come on. You know you want it.
Marron: No! I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last man on Spooner!
Gateau: Oh really? We'll just see about that! I'll be back in a while. *leaves*
Marron: . . .
~~~Three sheets to the wind?~~~
Scene: A clearing. The Sorcerer Hunters celebrate a recent victory.
Gateau: *drunken* Okay, stop me if you've heard this one. A sorcerer walks into a bar . . .
~~~She's not Black Lady . . . ~~~
Scene: Monster-Carrot wreaks havoc upon a village. Tira prepares to tame him.
Tira: And now, Carrot . . . *takes off shoes as transformation begins*
Monster-Carrot: *roars and looks confused*
*Tira stands in her usual thingie, but with a small pink skirt. Her hair is in pigtails*
Tira: A beautiful soldier for truth and love, Tira Misu! In the name of the whip, you're gonna get it! *winks and cracks whip*
Monster-Carrot: 0.0 YIPE! *runs away*
~~~We're with the sorcerer.~~~
Scene: The freaky cave with all the mirrors from episode one.
Sorceror: *maniacal laughter* *disappears into mirror*
View: Carrot in a mirror, looking confused and suspicious.
View: Chocolate in a mirror, looking angry and suspicious.
View: Marron and Gateau in a mirror, looking calm and excited, respectively*
Marron: *still calm and dead serious* *grabs Gateau's ass*
Gateau: *shocked* Aah! Don't touch me there, you pervert! *slaps him*
Sorceror: *in mirror* . . .
[Note: While the authors would dearly love to take credit for the above skit, it so happens that it actually happened. Well, up to the Gateau-shrieking bit. If you don't believe us, rewatch the video. Yeesh. No wonder Gateau asked if he was a closet pervert.]
~~~It COULD have been pickles and ice cream.~~~
Scene: A random inn room.
Marron: *turns to Gateau* Can you get me some fish?
Marron: *dead serious* Yes. With chocolate sauce.
Gateau: With -- what the fuck?!
Gateau: What is WRONG with you!?
Marron: Nothing! Just get the fucking food, God-fucking-damnit!
Gateau: . . .
Marron: I'll cry.
Gateau: All RIGHT, all RIGHT!
Gateau: Well? Will you tell me now?
Marron: I'm pregnant.
Gateau: . . . *faints*
~~~Sure, Gateau. Whatever.~~~
Scene: A booth before a large crowd. Gateau speaks. For some reason, everyone's drawn in Slayers style, and Gateau has really big eyebrows.
Gateau: Yes, you should all buy my amazing new body oil. Now only will you get sleek muscles and a great tan, but your sword-fighting skills will improve drastically! *whips off hideous orange trenchcoat to pose dramatically, flipping back long hair* And look! *spies Marron and drags him over* You'll even get a hopelessly devoted bishy fanboy for a general! *flexes
Marron: Ano . . . *cough* Gateau-sama!
Gateau: HAAA! *flex flex*
~~~Never underestimate the power of a Playboy Bunny.~~~
Scene: Lady Velrose's basement. The sorceress grinds Carrot into the floor.
Tira: What shall we do, Onee-sama? Shall we act like mindless zombies?
Chocolate: Sounds good.
*they stop and drool absently*
~~~Whoohoo! Naked Marron!~~~
Scene: A fight. Tira and Chocolate beat the crap out of a sorcerer.
Marron: Screw this! *holds up ofuda* Eastern Eternal Power, Make Up!!!
*lights flash, melting Marron's clothes as he turns and music plays in the background. Lots of sparklies and stuff. It ends, revealing Marron in . . . the exact same clothes as before. No . . . wait . . . maybe they're a bit whiter.*
Tira, Chocolate, Gateau, and Carrot: . . . *sweatdrop*
Marron: *defensive* What? I wanted a transformation sequence too!
~~~The meaning of life.~~~~
Scene: A bridge. Carrot sits on the rail, thinking deeply.
Carrot: *suddenly* That's it! I know what I'll do with my life! I'll move to Tibet and become a monk! *looks quite pleased with himself*
Villagers: . . . *back away*
~~~This is the way we shock the sibs . . . ~~~
Scene: An Inn. Tira and Chocolate's room.
Chocolate: That's what it is! You just want Darling for yourself, don't you?!
Tira: Of course not, Onee-sama! I'm much more interested in Dotta!
~~~Aagh! The Black Death!~~~
Scene: A fight with Zaha Torte.
Zaha: *screams for no readily apparant reason*
Carrot: Damn. We've got to stop this guy.
*suddenly both sides stop blasting each other and stand up, joining hands*
All: Ring around a rosie, pocket full of posies, tishu! Tishu! All fall down! *drop to the ground*
~~~Stellar Church Detectives? And will anybody get the joke?~~~
Scene: Big Mama's memory. Zaha 'speaks'.
Zaha: *opens and closes mouth mutely*
Caption: Three years ago.
Zaha: *unintelligible mouthing*
Caption: Three years ago.
Zaha: *pretending to speak*
Big Mama and others: *horrified looks*
Caption: In summer.
Zaha: *concludes his non-speech*
Caption: In summer.
New Caption: We apologize for the previous captions, which were accidentally picked up from the studio next to ours. We now return you to the program.
~~~Idle minds are dangerous.~~~
Scene: A clearing. The Sorcerer Hunters sit, eating breakfast.
Chocolate: *mouth full* mfou.
Carrot: *suddenly* And today's word is . . . Pamplemouse. Pamplemouse.
Others: . . .
[Note to the non-francophone reader: "Pamplemouse" means grapefruit. And, no, it is not pronounced "pam-pull-mouse"! I know you were thinking it! *stalks off in a rage*]
Scene: Random forest
Gateau: So, free right now?
Gateau: Are you doing anything RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE?
Marron: No, I... *gets pounced* WAUGH!
Scene: A fight.
Marron: *reaches into robes to pull out . . . an SD Gateau doll? Huh? *throws doll at sorcerer*
Sorcerer: . . .
Marron: *reaches into robes to pull out . . . an SD Xelloss doll?* What?! *throws doll at sorcerer*
Sorcerer: . . .
Marron: *reaches into robes to pull out . . . an SD Wufei doll?* AAGH! *pulls out a pen and scribbles quickly on doll* *throws doll at sorcerer*
Sorcerer: *fizzles* *dies*
~~~More obscure references! They're fuuuunnn . . . ~~~
Scene: a park bench. Marron sits, once again, at the left end. (HIS left!)
Gateau: *attempts to sit next to him, only to move all the way down again* Have you ever seen a moongotcha?
Marron: *wary* No . . .
Gateau: *points* See the moon?
Gateau: Gotcha! *grabs him*
Marron: *screams, slaps him, and sticks an ofuda to his head*
~~All good things must come to an end. Does that mean bad things go on forever?~~~
Scene: A road. The Sorceror Hunters walk along it.
Carrot: Well, that was weird.
Chocolate: Mou! Darling, what do you want to do now? *clings*
Carrot: Eh? I--
Director: CUT! That's not IT! This is all crap! *pause* We're going to have to do the whole thing ALL over again! I hope you're satisfied.
Theeee Ennnddd . . .